When i was a little girl

When I was a little girl

I would run into my bathroom.

My haven. 

I would sit on the mat and cry,

Til my emotions went numb. 

When I was a little girl 

I ran into my haven.

Only to be pulled out

By the woman, I call mom.

I was sat down and was searched 

from my arms to my legs.

And even though I refused she continued anyway.

When I was a little girl 

I didn’t understand what I had done wrong.

Why were my arms and legs being examined?

I didn’t know.

Mom, can you explain why?

I just want to ball my eyes out

So why are you keeping me from doing so?

Why can’t I sit in my haven anymore

Without being told to get out?

I don’t understand.

Someone, please tell me why?

I want to know why!

When I was thirteen 

I finally understood. 

My body was searched because my mother

Thought I was cutting my skin.

How did I not realize it until I was thirteen? 

How did I not know what self-harm was until eleven?

Why did I have to learn from a girl in middle school

Who said she cut herself?

When I was a little girl 

An eight-year-old girl

I didn’t know what self-harm was.

I coped by hiding away 

In a haven. 

Not to cut myself but to cry

But the thought of being dragged

out of my haven to be searched

Was too scary for me to handle. 

When I was a little girl

I learned to push everything down

Because if I didn’t cry

Then I wouldn’t be searched.

Now that bathroom that was once a haven

Has become a place that holds broken memories 

Of a little girl.